TULSA WORLD Our cheatin' hearts By JASON COLLINGTON World Staff Writer 4/2/00

Elissa Gough's story about her infidelity starts like so many others. "It began with friendship ..."He was a rugged, charismatic and married landscape designer her husband had hired. She was a woman whose marriage had become, as she puts it, a "stained routine."Her husband cheated on her before and she no longer trusted him, but she stayed in the marriage because it was comfortable and she loved his daughter and father. For Gough and her husband's employee, what started out as time together sharing long, intimate conversations quickly transformed into a desire to be together. They didn't mean to fall in love, but they did. "I wouldn't say fun. ... It's a tremendous high. More of a fix than fun," is how Gough describes having an affair. Her answer reminds her of the thoughts that used to come to her when she worked as a nurse at an alcohol- and drug-rehabilitation clinic. "I used to think, `How could they really do this to themselves, sticking a needle into themselves she said. "But then I understood. It was an exciting and wonderful thrill."But the reality is the life of an affair consists of a great deal of lies, some sex, and the playing out of one's fantasies, she said. Another reality of an affair is that it will die. After her affair was exposed, Gough's marriage died as well. Her experiences led her to write a book, "Infidelity: Your Complete Guide to Awareness, Prevention, Intervention and Recovery."It can happen to you," she said in a phone interview from Las Vegas, where she was hosting a seminar on the subject. She heads an infidelity support organization based in Rancho Mirage California called Face Reality (www.facereality.com). Gough admits she has lived an unusual life, one where she's played every role in a love triangle -- the betrayed spouse, the unfaithful wife and the other woman. "In our lifetimes, we are lured to things that are not right for us," she said. "Some of us are able to resist the temptations, but others grow up really absorbing those fairy tales. When we don't like the story line, we blame our mates."For many it's really the same story line -- I really don't want a divorce. I want a diversion."Some experts say that romantic love is the most powerful emotion humans possess. People have abandoned their careers, their children, their religion, their security and their health because of it. Some have even killed. "It's nothing more than a feeling of love. But that feeling is one of the most important feelings we have, and we will do almost anything to get it and keep it," said psychologist Willard F. Harley Jr., who answered questions about infidelity in a recent online chat hosted by parenthoodweb.com. Harley is the author of the best selling book "His Needs, Her Needs: Building Affair-proof Marriage. Infidelity does not mean just one-night stands and compulsive promiscuity. Many marriage counselors agree that more marriages and other monogamous partnerships are ruined by long- term emotional infidelity. "An emotional affair is far more damaging than just sex," said marriage and family therapist Dale Doty, who has counseled couples in Tulsa for 25 years. He's the founder and director of training for Christian Family Institute. "Sex will wound a partner, but falling in love and sex will wound them more."The number of people having affairs varies when national polls are taken. One such poll, conducted by the National Opinion Research , found that one out of every five married men and one out of every 10 married women said they were being unfaithful or had been unfaithful. Most affairs are with friends and co-workers, but studies also have recorded a rise in the number of episodes by way of the Internet. "Since you don't have a notion to meet the person, you're more likely to accelerate the relationship," said Doty, who said his institute has seen a large increase in the number of couples dealing with Internet affairs. "You're willing to share much more quickly when you're in an anonymous forum."But advancing technology is not only helping people meet, but also it's having a hand in catching cheating spouses in the act.Keeping tabs on suspecting mates makes up about 20 to 35 percent of Don Bradford's Tulsa business, Don Bradford Special Investigations. His company is just one of more than 40 available in the Tulsa area. The equipment investigators can use today allows them a number of ways to watch a suspected person. "In this day and age, it can be done by more than just being parked across the street," he said. The company has been in Tulsa since 1963, and Bradford said he has seen one definite change over the years. "It seems like it is more equal now than it used to be," he said. "I just assume a call is from a man as much as I would from a woman."Besides offering chat rooms, the Internet also has a number of Web sites to help philanderers beat the odds of getting caught Philanderers.com states it does not encourage people to have an affair if they know what's good for them, but at the same time promises to offer "the meat and potatoes of how to minimize the risks of an extramarital affair." The site offers tips for short- and long-term affairs. It also boasts a poll of viewers -- 54 percent of the more than 2,000 who were polled said they are married and involved with another married person. Sixty-six percent said the affair is definitely worth the risk, while 25 percent are undecided. People who cheat on their spouse usually have their motives rooted in loneliness, the need for attention, the lack of sexual satisfaction, desire for romance or simply incompatibility with their mate. Gough said women usually have emotional affairs and men have sexual relationships outside marriage. But she has a method to help people rethink their want to have an affair -- start where it ends. "It's the consequences. Now go back to the beginning," she said. Like many problems in relationships, infidelity can be sparked because of the simple lack of good communication between mates, said Desire Saucier, a Tulsa psychotherapist and author of the book "Man, Woman, Relationships and Sexualities." But for others, "some are just addicted to the game."After the honeymoon stages have passed for a married couple, Saucier said many have children and forget they need to maintain their relationship as a couple. "People want to feel good. If our mates start making us feel bad or we feel that we are being controlled or neglected, we just simply want to find another place and person to make us feel good," Saucier said."You can be a realist and say that work and responsibility can't be ignored, but just don't forget about each other and the romance factor. I'm not just talking about flowers; couples need to be alone at least once a month --I don't care how long they have been together. Gough said the issue is not whether people experience feelings of attraction, but what they do with those emotions. If they are thinking about having an affair, they need to be reminded of the consequences. The affair will not only affect them, but their family, friends and especially their children. "They need to know the person they chose can ruin their life," she said. "All acts of betrayal, no matter how peculiar the situation, are made up of similar feelings of pain and frustration. When it comes to unfaithfulness, suffering appears to be universal. "Contents copyright 2000 The Tulsa World, Inc."